Some thoughts on "Instant Family"

[I wrote this on 14 Jan 2019. It was first published on lazyiroh.wordpress.com]

Just watched “Instant Family” and wanted to write down a few thoughts on it.

1. For movie review purposes, this is a solid 7/10. Has funny moments, has some tear-jerking moments, and some uneven stuff in between. Overall, an uplifting movie which doesn’t shy away from revealing the ugly side of the foster care system in USA.

2. Parenting is hard. The movie does gloss over some of the myriad struggles of parenting, but thankfully it also doesn’t sugarcoat it. In particular, parenting teenagers is really difficult in the age of nude selfies and dick pics.

3. Parenting norms shown here are all culturally western, but this got me thinking quite a bit about our own eastern norms, and in particular how much we evaluate our parenting in terms of our children’s ostensible behavior. In eastern cultures we are quick to shame parents if their children do not behave in a conformist way, and we throw around the phrase “parents did not bring the child up well”. Although it is entirely true that bad parenting will result in poorly behaved kids, it is also entirely true that no parent is perfect, they act on imperfect information, and despite their very best efforts, kids won’t turn out the way they hoped. How a child grows up depends on several factors, including the child’s own sinfulness, and parenting is but one (significant) factor out of many. Yet for many Asian parents, “right behaviour” is of such great importance that an assortment of fear and bribery tactics are employed which ultimately lead to poorer outcomes for the child, especially when the child is old enough to know how to fake good behavior to please parents while hiding their true selves.

4. Rejection and abandonment has a profound impact on a young child. The character Lizzie (Isabela Moner) really breaks your heart at the end of the movie, where she tells Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne to adopt her two younger siblings (because they are the kind of kids they have in mind) but to release her back into the system. This is heartbreaking because she knows that her foster parents are loving enough for her to entrust her siblings to them, but she things that she is beyond lovable herself. In my years as an educator, I’ve seen many many teenagers experience abandonment and rejection from their parents and suffer similar forms of self-condemnation. It is important to be sensitive to this when talking to teenagers, and be extra patient since these teenagers would not trust adults easily.

5. I really like the foster parents support group, and how they joined in for the family photo in the end. Asians see parenting as a deeply private affair, but in reality we parent much better as a community, both for mutual encouragement, as well as to challenge our blind spots and our bias. I also really like that there is a conservative evangelical Christian couple, who was a little awkward around the gay couple, but they also embraced the gay couple and were genuinely happy for them when their adoption was approved. Controversial? Sure. But I like it for how it shows what community ought to look like.

6. I love the section near the beginning where Mark Wahlberg tries to convince Rose Byrne that only “special” people who “volunteer on non-holidays” have large enough hearts have what it takes to be foster parents. In some ways, that’s true for all parents, teachers (and pastors!). It’s immensely challenging work, and our sinful selves have all sorts of ways of sabotaging that process. But at the same time, parenting is about two sinners coming together to try their best to raise younger sinners. You’re never going to be compassionate enough, wise enough, intelligent enough, selfless enough to be the kind of parent (or teacher or pastor) you want to be. But you try anyway. And trust that God will use you, warts and all, to do a good work in their lives.